I was ill all night and have been ill all day. I am fasting. I have stopped the diarrhea and the vomiting but still have constant nausea. I feel I shall be sick any minute, though I am not.
When I got into bed and finally fell off, drone of planes awakened me overhead. This kept up for a couple of hours, and though there was a criss-cross of searchlights there was no gunfire. Ted slept well. Ted is too moody this week, and acting more secretive then usual. He made quite a mystery of his mail this morning, putting his personal letters apart under a sofa cushion (!) and then taking them away to the office with him unopened. Obviously he is determined I shall not even glimpse his correspondents across the table. Funny man.
In the night Ted wanted to love, but I felt unable to respond. It was as though my body was resentful. Why must it wait for his mood? Too often it suffers, waiting, so that when the other is seeking satisfaction it does not want to respond. Nor can it. I feel despairing, hopeless. I give in, but I have no pleasure. Nevertheless when morning comes I arise with nerves assuaged, my body is renewed against my spirit. It is a fact that life is built upon the physical, and when that is right everything is right.
Rita came in last night, so stopped me writing. What I had sat down principally to note was, that suddenly seeing the necessity of having money in the bank, I had gone out after lunch and put in two pounds in the P.O. Savings Bank. When this war is over I will go to America. For that I must have money. So instead of frittering away any more on books, paper, and so forth, I will accumulate whatever monies I can. I am resolved to put some cash in the bank, every Thursday, even if it is only as little as a half a crown. Thursday afternoon is a good time to go to the Post Office for then there is nobody about, the shops are shut and South Street is empty.
I was surprised by a call from old Herbert soon after five o’clock and much more surprised by the reason for his call. He said he hadn’t waited for Ted to walk home, as he was still busy at the office, but what he wanted to know was, could I board him? I could, couldn’t I? He went into a few details, as for how Mrs. Webb was threatening to leave him, how he was negotiating to sell Arden Cottage to the Co-op, and so he had said, “Oh, I shall go and turn in with Ted and Ruby, that’s the place for me.” When I began to say, well of course I could board him, but what about his rations registration, he said, “Well that’s alright then. You needn’t bother about the rations. I’ll pick those up. I do all the shopping now anyhow, so you wouldn’t have to fetch them. Naturally I wouldn’t expect that. That’s alright, that's alright!” and off he went.
The more I think about old Bert, the worse I feel. Where am I going to put him? How am I ever to escape him? One Thompson is almost more than I can endure, what am I going to do with two of them always around? This home is too small, too crowded, as it is; how in the world will I fit old Bert into it? There will be absolutely no privacy left at all. Hell, hell, hell!
A letter from Mother came today. She writes: Just one word, don’t go off the deep end, positively do not wear that green hat with red costume it must be either exact match or black velvet for preference, but felt or velour would do in black.
Last night passed without further alarms. The bomber was over Harold Wood, but luckily his bombs fell in a field. We were not told whether he was brought down or not. Mrs. Harvey James was here this afternoon, also Miss Canham. Mrs. James had brought her will, which she asked me to witness. She had intended to ask Ted also, but as he wasn’t here, she asked Miss Canham to witness, which she did. I heard a piece of news when Mrs. Dennis brought the groceries. She said, apropos of yesterdays alarm, that we were warned we would hear strange noises about four o’clock tomorrow morning, but that we should disregard them, as it would only be the Home Guard. The noises we will hear will only be the Home Guard staging a mock invasion. Mrs. Dennis was not only surprised that Mr. Thompson should go away and leave me alone in the house; she was very surprised I didn’t know about the mock invasion.
It was a fiendish night, but because of the elements rather than the Home Guard. It was blowing, cold, rainy, screaming windy. Cold still this morning, but the wind has dropped and the rain stopped. I have been up since six-fifteen. A real alert sounded soon after six a.m. so I got up, came downstairs and made tea, and then took a bath. The all clear came around six-thirty, but I was much too much awake then to go back to bed.
Elizabeth Coppen says yesterdays “town” was Chelmsford. Stanley was there yesterday and saw the damage. Five people killed, eight seriously injured. Bombs fell near the railway station, it looked as though they had tried for the bridge, but missed it. There are large craters in the road.
Mrs. Prior actually showed up today. Whilst she was eating her lunch Ted walked in. He’d had enough of East Anglia. I should think so. Last night seven bombers out of forty were brought down over England, five of them over East Anglia. He looks well, but tired. The weather has been showery, and he has a sore foot. He got as far as Walsingham. He would do a pilgrimage, no doubt! Old Bert came calling this evening, and was very surprised to find Ted at home.
I was awakened by an alert soon after six this morning, and then we had a second one about seven. There is very heavy rain, and a completely clouded sky, which is fine for raiders.
Alarms in the night, gunfire heavy so came downstairs at three o’clock. The all clear did not go until nearly four thirty a.m. Bombs dropped at Woodford, Ipswich, Chelmsford, and again at Dagenham. The B.B.C. stated two hundred were over the country last night, but scattered, most damage done at Birmingham. We brought down eight, and one over the channel. I presume this is a reprisal raid for the R.A.F. attack on Hamburg on Saturday night. We raided there in mass, and lost twenty-nine of our bombers. Isn’t it all frightful? We have news today that Rostov has now fallen to the Germans. Hell on earth.